Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this', and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir;' replied the trooper.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this', and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir;' replied the trooper.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
50 Easy Pranks
51. Tell someone to see a music video on MTV.com.
50. Borrow someone’s cell phone and change the language setting to a foreign language.
49. Change the language for Google on someone’s computer.
48. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
47. Swap the signs on the men’s and ladies’ rest rooms. ^^
46. Hide scented air fresheners all over someone’s office.
45. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
44. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
43. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
42. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
41. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
40. Replace Oreo cream-filling with toothpaste and offer one to someone.
39. Dip the tips of someone’s cigarettes in Orajel so their lips will go numb.
38. Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
37. Cup some water in your hand and pretend to sneeze on the back of someone’s head.
36. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
35. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
34. Hide all of the desktop icons on someone’s computer and replace the monitor’s wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
33. Put a “Please Use Other Door” sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
32. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
31. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
30. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
29. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
28. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.
27. Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
26. Leave a note on someone’s car apologizing for an accident that never actually happened.
25. Glue all the eggs into the carton.
24. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
23. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
22. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
21. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
20. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.
19. Conference call two people then don’t say anything, just listen.
18. Place a ‘house for sale’ ad in the newspaper for someone’s home.
17. Paint the tips of someone’s pen and pencil with clear nail polish so none of them work.
16. Hide a small radio in the ceiling tiles above someone’s desk and turn it on very softly.
15. Fill someone’s hair-dryer with baby powder.
14. Put marbles in the hubcaps of someone’s car.
13. Leave cryptic notes warning someone of an impending prank then do nothing all day.
12. Rubber band the sprayer on the kitchen sink into the “on” position.
11. Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
10. Pour vegetable oil on the exhaust of someone’s car so it will smoke when started up.
9. Hide an alarm clock in someone’s bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m.
8. Remove the shower head and place a Lifesavers candy in it, then put the head back on.
7. Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
6. Rearrange somebody’s drawers or file cabinets in a different order.
5. Tape magnets to the bottom of a cup, put it on the roof of your car and drive around.
4. Put food coloring in the hand soap dispenser.
3. Put an ad in the paper for a garage sale at someone’s house beginning at 6 a.m.
2. Buy some underwear, write a co-worker’s name in them, then leave them on the floor of the office bathroom.
1. Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone’s computer.
51. Tell someone to see a music video on MTV.com.
50. Borrow someone’s cell phone and change the language setting to a foreign language.
49. Change the language for Google on someone’s computer.
48. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
47. Swap the signs on the men’s and ladies’ rest rooms. ^^
46. Hide scented air fresheners all over someone’s office.
45. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
44. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
43. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
42. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
41. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
40. Replace Oreo cream-filling with toothpaste and offer one to someone.
39. Dip the tips of someone’s cigarettes in Orajel so their lips will go numb.
38. Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
37. Cup some water in your hand and pretend to sneeze on the back of someone’s head.
36. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
35. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
34. Hide all of the desktop icons on someone’s computer and replace the monitor’s wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
33. Put a “Please Use Other Door” sign on the entrance to your office building if it only has one entrance.
32. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
31. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
30. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
29. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
28. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.
27. Take a squirt gun into the rest room stall next to someone and shoot little drops over the wall every couple of seconds while pretending to pee.
26. Leave a note on someone’s car apologizing for an accident that never actually happened.
25. Glue all the eggs into the carton.
24. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
23. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
22. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
21. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
20. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.
19. Conference call two people then don’t say anything, just listen.
18. Place a ‘house for sale’ ad in the newspaper for someone’s home.
17. Paint the tips of someone’s pen and pencil with clear nail polish so none of them work.
16. Hide a small radio in the ceiling tiles above someone’s desk and turn it on very softly.
15. Fill someone’s hair-dryer with baby powder.
14. Put marbles in the hubcaps of someone’s car.
13. Leave cryptic notes warning someone of an impending prank then do nothing all day.
12. Rubber band the sprayer on the kitchen sink into the “on” position.
11. Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
10. Pour vegetable oil on the exhaust of someone’s car so it will smoke when started up.
9. Hide an alarm clock in someone’s bedroom and set it for 3:00 a.m.
8. Remove the shower head and place a Lifesavers candy in it, then put the head back on.
7. Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
6. Rearrange somebody’s drawers or file cabinets in a different order.
5. Tape magnets to the bottom of a cup, put it on the roof of your car and drive around.
4. Put food coloring in the hand soap dispenser.
3. Put an ad in the paper for a garage sale at someone’s house beginning at 6 a.m.
2. Buy some underwear, write a co-worker’s name in them, then leave them on the floor of the office bathroom.
1. Install the Blue Screen of Death screen-saver on someone’s computer.
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.(mustard)
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.(mustard)
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
Monday, April 11, 2011
15 Stunningly Dumb Warning Labels
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Only a moron would try to wash her daughter in awashing machine; or shake hands with the business end of a chainsaw; or light a match to check the contents of a gas tank. And yet manufacturers continue to go to laughable lengths to protect their customers, bombarding them with ridiculous warning labels or stunningly obvious explanations of how their products work. Here are 25 of the best--er, worst--we found over the last four years.
More from Forbes.com |
The plaintiff's bar has plenty to do with this silly--and costly--trend. Sham product-liability cases can rack up very real damages. In 2007 the median jury award in product liability cases was just north of $1.9 million, estimates Jury Verdict Research, which tracks results of personal-injury claims.
These cases basically boil down to two principles. First, companies must take care not to put customers in "unforeseen" danger, assuming that those customers act in a "reasonable" manner when using a product or service. (Repeatedly jabbing a bottle of Coca-Cola in your eye and suing for damages probably wouldn't fly in court.) Second, companies have to provide sufficient warning of "foreseeable" danger.
Hence the proliferation of all those goofy warning labels on products and websites.
Here are some other doozies we found over the last four years.
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| Jabra Drive 'N' Talk |
Label: Never operate your speakerphone while driving.Product: Jabra Drive 'N' Talk.
The 2010 winner of the annual Wacky Warning Label contest, which challenges Americans to find the most ridiculous warning labels in the country. The Jabra Drive 'N' Talk is a Bluetooth speakerphone accessory for cellphonesto be used in the car. So should it just be called the "Talk"?
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| Peanuts |
Label: This product may contain nuts.
Product: Peanuts & Peanut M&Ms.
Product: Peanuts & Peanut M&Ms.
Often found on bags of peanuts, including those made by Sainbury, as well as on those yellow bags of Peanut M&Ms. All of which makes you wonder what some conspiracy theorists think they're buying.
 |
| Chainsaw |
Label: Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw.
Product: Chainsaw.
Product: Chainsaw.
Many chainsaws bear this digit-saver, in sticker form, right on their sides.
 |
| Hair dryer |
Label: Do not use while sleeping.
Product: Hair dryer.
Product: Hair dryer.
Several manufacturers of hair dryers thought it necessary to warn users of the dangers of sleep-drying, an affliction that, apparently, befell somebody.
 |
| Blow torch |
Label: Contents may catch fire.
Product: Blow torch gas bottle.
Product: Blow torch gas bottle.
Just let 'em go up in flames.
 |
| Sun shade |
Label: Do not drive with sun shield in place.
Product: Reflective cardboard sun shades for car dashboards.
OK, so what is the sun shield for? Presumably, hanging out in your car, alone, sipping a 44-ounce fountain cup of Mountain Dew, air conditioning on, sun shade firmly in place, contemplating where you'll drive when the sun finally goes down. Or you could just take the sunshade out of the window and drive in the blistering sun without it.
Product: Reflective cardboard sun shades for car dashboards.
OK, so what is the sun shield for? Presumably, hanging out in your car, alone, sipping a 44-ounce fountain cup of Mountain Dew, air conditioning on, sun shade firmly in place, contemplating where you'll drive when the sun finally goes down. Or you could just take the sunshade out of the window and drive in the blistering sun without it.
 |
| Eggs |
Label: This product may contain eggs.
Product: A carton of eggs.
Product: A carton of eggs.
So that's what those are!
 |
| Nytol sleeping pills |
Label: May cause drowsiness.
Product: Nytol sleeping pills.
Product: Nytol sleeping pills.
Let's hope, for GlaxoSmithKline's sake, the warning rings true.
 |
| Vanishing Marker |
Label: The Vanishing Fabric Marker should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.
Product: W.H. Collins' Vanishing Fabric Markers.
Product: W.H. Collins' Vanishing Fabric Markers.
Well, that sure takes the fun of out it: After all, who doesn't like being handed a blank check?
 |
| Jet Ski |
Label: Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.
Product: Jet Ski.
Product: Jet Ski.
This little ditty can be found on gas caps for personal recreational vehicles such as jet skis and ATVs. Should be followed by: "And if this was news to you, you are not legally permitted to operate this vehicle or, for that matter, leave the house."
 |
| Washing machine |
Label: Do not put any person in this washer.
Product: Huebsch Washing Machine.
Product: Huebsch Washing Machine.
First load: towels. Next load: the youngest daughter.
 |
| Dremel Multipro rotary tools |
Label: This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.
 |
| Apple's iPod shuffle |
Label (on website): Do not eat.
Product: Apple's iPod shuffle.
Product: Apple's iPod shuffle.
When Apple introduced its digital music player in 2005, the company added this warning on its website. Parody or paranoia? The company wouldn't comment.
 |
| Bialetti Casa Italiana's nonstick pans |
Label: Keep pet birds out of the kitchen when using this product.
Product: Bialetti Casa Italiana's nonstick pans.
Product: Bialetti Casa Italiana's nonstick pans.
Polly may not have a thing for fancy cookware, and she might not like the fumes potentially given off by hot Teflon, either. "Many animal owners call us inquiring about it," says Richard Duran, a Bialetti consumer relations representative.
Solid advice, always
DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE
Effective March 14, 2011
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Effective March 14, 2011
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
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